Unknown Destinations

Sometimes I think the hardest thing we are ever asked to do as Christians is to simply trust and believe that God will come through.

It's something that I've been wrestling with a lot lately, with each step venturing into a place unknown, to a destination I can't see, unsure if the people who are with me now will still remain... These days are ones where sometimes the pressure feels so great, it's like I'm about to explode. And the truth is sometimes I really wish I could do just that.

It's difficult to explain to people, in part because I have no desire to paint a bad picture of life in ministry, and also because the reality is that unless you're in the same situation, you really couldn't understand. I don't want sympathy, and I definitely don't want to perpetuate the stereotype that ministry work is all hardship and suffering because it isn't. The rewards are far greater than I could ever imagine and the people I've been able to meet are just exceptional... but I'm also being honest and admitting that it comes with it's challenges, and the truth is that this isn't easy. And what's even crazier is the fact that I knew when I signed up for this, decided to answer God's call, that this wouldn't be easy. And of course sometimes that can be frustrating because at the end of the day I really don't have anyone to blame except myself.

And even then, should it really be something that needs blame? Forgive me, I think I'm just in a whiny mood today, give me a few more minutes and I'll snap out of it. Like Joey tells me ever so often, if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth doing. And that's true, I know it is. I guess this is just me wondering why it is that I always seem to manage to make things as difficult as can possibly be for myself. It's almost like I'm asking for it really, and that of course, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Then again, since when have I ever made much sense to anyone? It's amazing if I can understand myself half the time.

So today's Friday, the start of another weekend, and I have been set the task of completing several phone calls, sending out more emails, and keeping my faith out that somehow God will move and settle everything for me next week. Is God big enough? For sure. Is my faith strong enough? Now that's something that remains to be seen. God grant me grace and strength to see it through to the end. I realy think that's about all I can ask for right now, and knowing the way God has been with me, He'll give me exactly what I need at the exact moment in time and not a second sooner. It's highly comforting and unnerving at the same time. Is it possible to have a love/hate relationship with God sometimes? I think I'm just being a brat.

Anyway, I guess there's nothing much else to write about. My life of late has been a whirlwind of thoughts and events and it seems that I'm slowly being able to make sense of everything. I am grateful for the people in my life, for the things I have, and for the unexpected blessings that come my way every so often. The next month looks like it's going to be another crazy journey, but what's new right?

I am, as usual, simply living out the rollercoaster that is my life.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

P.S. If you happen to actually know me, and see me one of these days, give me a hug. Those tend to make me smile. :)

Adrift

It ended before it began.

And just like that my life's taken another turn, an upexpected twist, and it's left me at a loss for words. I'm alone in the office again, listening to the clock ticking away as it sits atop the bookshelf across the room, knowing that I really should be working and getting things done, but it seems that that will wait for a little while longer. I wish I could explain why things turn out the way they do sometimes.

I am perplexed at what God is doing in my life at the moment. Lately I've found myself asking for answers and clear direction but it seems that it is not time for me to know just quite everything yet. I think we all want to know what the future holds, but these days I'm finding that maybe, I should just be learning what it really means to be present and to live each and everyday. Sometimes I think God doesn't tell me things because it's the only way He can really get me to stay on track, and trust that He's got everything covered.

This morning went by in a blur. Awakening to the sound of text messages on my phone at 6:30am. A phone conversation at 6:35am. Meeting face to face at 7:15am. Not exactly the usual start to my day at all, and yet something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I hope you know that I am not sorry you've come into my life, but I think I may have to say those words a few more times before you'll finally believe me and see that God is working something through all this, only it might not be quite what we were hoping for at this time. It doesn't mean it'll never happen though, there's still hope. As long as there's God, there's still hope.

I wish I could write a little more, but the truth is my thoughts are way too jumbled up for me to make sense of them, and I think we're quite beyond my writing anything that might seem even semi-comprehensible. But it's okay, I expect I'll probably have something to say in a few days. In the meantime, to whoever it is that pops by occasionally to check in, I'm okay. Actually, I'm better than okay. And I guess that's all I can really ask for right now.